I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
✌🏽
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”