I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.