I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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Just parrot things
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang