I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you