i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I put the p in pants.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.