I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route