@thenoahkinsey

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

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@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@WheelTod

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@MintyCow

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

@Parkerlawyer

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

@BDGarp

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

@Coolisiana

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

@fro_vo

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

@myonlymizztake

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.