@saharsh77 *My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
@thenoahkinsey I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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@saharsh77 
@BraandoCommando Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
@RobotThomas How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
@canadasandra if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
@Kris_Florio A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
@Gupton68 Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
@JefeJK47 If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
@bourgeoisalien [dies, meets god]
explain Florida
@Mikerowavables Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
@rebrafsim fireworks, because firehasbillstopay