I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Always
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.