[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg