i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Batman v Dracula
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.