I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second