I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no