I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)