I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.