I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
the red hot silly peppers
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench