I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?