I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.