I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
every single time
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter