I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s