I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply