I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.