I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Hmmmmm
This made me smile…
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.