I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.