I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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Nothing.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Breaking news:
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”