I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?