I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
584.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The fall of Netflix
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.