I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
The answer is funnier than the question
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Finally, a door that understands me
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
when someone rings the doorbell
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.