I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday