I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
You Might Also Like
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
#SCOTUS one-star review
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry