Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

i actually laughed 😩

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

necessity is the mother of invention

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.