Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.