i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.


“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*


You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.


All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.


I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.


I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.


Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.