i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem