i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.