I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon