I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.