I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*