“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
These are too funny not to post 😂
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound