I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Weirdly Wednesday.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Perfect
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.