I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.