I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done


I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.


i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus


[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
[outraged barking]


My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”


His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”


If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.


If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.


Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude