@Quartzjixler

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

You Might Also Like

@mdob11

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

@imdaintyaf

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

@sbellelauren

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

@GrantTanaka

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

@LaLuchaNix

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@myonlymizztake

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@RealSamHarwood

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude