@mdob11 Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
@Quartzjixler I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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@mdob11 
@ilovepie84 Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
@imdaintyaf I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
@sbellelauren i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
@GrantTanaka [dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
@LaLuchaNix My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
@myonlymizztake His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
@WoodyLuvsCoffee If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@RealSamHarwood Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude