I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
😂😂😂
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in