I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡