I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.


I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks


“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”


Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat


The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.


I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”