I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”