@Smooheed

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

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@ddsmidt

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

@TheFirstDudish

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@Inconsteveable

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

@AbbyHasIssues

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

@

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”