I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.