Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.