I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
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I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk