I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.