@thewritertype Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
@jwoodham I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
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@thewritertype 
@dumbbeezie I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
@CornOnTheGoblin [goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
@KeanuWithClips Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
@IamEnidColeslaw who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
@BangMyBongo You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
@thedailymarker Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
@weinerdog4life Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
@SheOverAnalyzes Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
@KyleMcDowell86 SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER