@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

You Might Also Like

@thewritertype

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

@dumbbeezie

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

@CornOnTheGoblin

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

@KeanuWithClips

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@BangMyBongo

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@weinerdog4life

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

@SheOverAnalyzes

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

@KyleMcDowell86

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER