I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I have questions??
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot