I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?