I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]