I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*



On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.


Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.


Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.


The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.


i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game


My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.


Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking


[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends