@jus4golf

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

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@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@bikinidiaper

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

@slimmy_shady

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

@jollyrobber

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

@jojipaints

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

@stuckinaportal

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

@jonnysun

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

@kibblesmith

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

@Reverend_Scott

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?