I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us


a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans


You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.


My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.


Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.


*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob


*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK


Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.


Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?