@jus4golf

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

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@Alex_but_online

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@thatdutchperson

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

@Breadery

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

@YourMomsucksTho

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

@UnfilteredMama

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

@eleniZarro

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

@david8hughes

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends