I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
How can I say no to this ?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it