I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.


Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits


If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.


It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.


I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.



Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”


If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”


Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun


Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.


Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away