@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

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@TheThryll

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

@pleatedjeans

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@WilliamAder

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

@rickolantern

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

@EyalTweet

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

@bourgeoisalien

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

@johtosbest

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

@BabetteJones

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away